Spouta

God I hate morning people! And this phrase is one of the main reasons why: “Good morning sunshine!” It’s always spoken with such condenscension by someone who happened to wake up a couple of hours earlier than someone else. They woke up a bit earlier and have already read the newspaper and eaten breakfast, and now they’re a fundamentally better and more worthy human being. Well guess what morning asshole, I stayed up two hours later than you last night. We both had a 17 hour day yesterday. What’s the difference what portion of the day you are awake?

Morning people are always fucking with the rest of us by using this expression. Normal people need their own saying to fuck with morning people when they go to bed two hours earlier than the rest of us (just so they can wake up earlier and feel better about themselves). I suggest “Good night pussy!”

I hear it all the time now. And it’s always spoken by a woman asking a friend of hers how she feels about an upcoming event. “Are you excited?”, she asks. Where this phrase came from and how it got to be so popular, I dont know, but it bugs the shit out of me. Adults don’t ask each other obvious questions like this! You know the if the person is excited or not. Don’t ask. It’s stupid and condescending. If you’re speaking to a 7 year old, Ok. But the next time you ask an adult this question, I hope they respond with “Shut the fuck up! Don’t you have the ability to judge another human being’s basic emotional state without asking? Damn you’re stupid!”

You hear it every now and then, almost always from a lazy fuck guy, “I thought we were supposed to have flying cars by now. Where’s my flying car!” They say it in a half joking but half serious way. I’m really tired of hearing this gripe because the truth is if we had flying cars, then the airways would be just as fucked up as the highways are now. Because here’s a little secret lazy fuck guy: If you have a flying car then so does everyone else. And everyone else will be taking to the skies to try to beat traffic and then there will be traffic in the skies, too. The flying car quip is not funny, so please shut the fuck up about flying cars.

I saw another young girl last night with a disgusting looking tattoo on her arm. The girl couldn’t have been more than 19 and had this full blown meshwork of shit on her arm and I just thought to myself, wow that would be a really cute girl if she didn’t have what appears to be a hideous mold growing on her arm. What compels young girls to mar their bodies like this? I see this same spectacle on an almost daily basis now. Don’t they understand that they’re the most beautiful, interesting objects on the planet. And they ruin they’re natural good looks by injecting indelible ink under the surface of their skin. What causes this? Does anyone know? Are they that insecure, that desperate for attention? It strikes me as quite sad.

So, I see Lance Armstrong is on the cover of Men’s Journal again. What is this like three times in the last year? He either owns the magazine now or the editors can not find another single person worthy of our admiration and interest. Lance is a hell of an athlete and spokesperson for a worthy cause but come on. Enough is enough. Please stop this obsessing over this person. If he’s on the cover one more time in the next two years my subscription will be canceled…seriously. I mean something has to be done, right?

Tom Shane – shut the fuck up. You and Ben Stein have the two most annoying voices on the planet. I’ll never buy any jewelry from one of your stores. So please shut the fuck up – really.

So I ran a 10k race this weekend in Denver. I’ve been a casual runner for over ten years now and have run dozens of 10k’s, 5k’s, 5 milers, etc. And in every single one there’s at least one guy who, after finishing the race, comes back up the course to “cheer on” other participants. Way to go! You’re almost there! You can do it! are some of the more common phrases you’ll hear this guy yell.

The problem is that he’s not there to cheer anyone on – he’s there to stick it to the rest of us slower runners. He’s there to demonstrate that he’s had time to finish the run, grab a bite to eat, cool down and refresh, and THEN come back to cheer. “Wow, you’re really fast!” is the sort of thought he wants to elicit in the minds of other runners.

Hey 10k cheering guy…don’t! We’re 3 blocks from the finish line. We know we can do it. We know we’re almost there. I’m glad you finished earlier than us. Now do us all a favor and shut the fuck up.

The new Staples commercial is one of the most annoying ones in recent memory. I’ve included the commercial video here just for reference – do NOT play it! Every time I see it I vow to stay out of every Staples store for another month. Staples has lost a customer for about 11 months now.

What’s the deal with guys wearing bulky, dangling, noisy keychains on their pants? Unless you’re a janitor or a dungeon master…please…no external keychains.